Closing Doors on Lives Not Lived

Thoughts on being in my early thirties and the Eurovision Song Contest.

Jun 02, 2025

I’m a firm believer that not much is impossible in life. At the very least, we have the capacity to go beyond our previous limitations and conjure a wonderful life for ourselves, filled with numerous surprises. Life can take us in many different directions and things we may have once thought impossible, might prove not to be.

I remember being a teenager and I couldn’t wait to officially be an adult, so that I could get started on my many dreams. I had many ambitions in a variety of fields and I wanted to achieve as much as possible in my one life.

As a teen, I knew that I had my whole life ahead of me.

The fourth decade

I’m in my early thirties now and so far, it’s my favourite decade.

My single-digit ages were filled with trauma I barely survived, same with my teen years, though my self-esteem was beginning to exist in tiny measurements, and my twenties were the bridge years between my problematic childhood and my more stable adulthood. They were rocky and filled with trying times, but also immensely healing and expansive. My thirties are much more beautiful, free and joyful.

Like a regular Benjamin Button, I feel like I'm aging backwards; The older I get, the younger I feel. I'm maturing into my youth. It’s a great feeling to connect with my youthfulness and allow myself the joys and liberations that were once denied me. And as we tend to hope, once we reach our thirties, I’m also feeling more set in life.

I love that I’m now in my thirties. But I’ve noticed that with this decade comes a new feeling that I need to make peace with. The feeling that the doors of some of the lives I could have lived, are now closed. Maybe not fully closed. Maybe not forever. There may be similar ones that could open for me down the road. But most likely, they’re closed, now that I didn’t walk through them.

black wooden 4-panel door closed — Photo by Sophie Dale on Unsplash

When we’re teens, or even in our twenties, there’s the feeling that the world is our oyster. We have all our lives still ahead of us to can make any life decisions we want. All of the potential doors to walk through are still open and we could walk through anyone we wish. There’s no obligation, just freedom to choose.

In our thirties, we still have all of our lives ahead of us to choose and pivot, but we have also already chosen some doors to walk through. Whether or not to study, including what and where. Whether or not to get married, and to whom. Whether or not to move abroad, to take a job, to adopt a pet, to have kids etc.

In doing so, we have already walked through some doors - and the act of walking through those doors have closed others. Different doors are open at different life stages. They require different keys to become unlocked. And sometimes, you can’t go back. For instance, as a very obvious example, you can never choose to be child-free, once you have followed through on the choice to become a parent.

It’s not that making different choices in life and back-tracking isn’t possible, in most cases. They are. Actually, I tend to be of the belief that almost anything is possible in life. And if you want or need to switch things up, go switch things up! Don’t let age or time stop you. As long as you're breathing, there's still a chance. But you’ll have to find a new door to walk through from where you are now.

Moving abroad when you’re in your early twenties, single and child-free, is not going to be the same door, as moving abroad when you’re in your late thirties, married and plus two. Choosing to get another degree and complete a career transition in your fifties, is not going to be the same door as getting a degree and choosing your career field for the first time, in your late teens. It's not that it's worse, it's just that your starting point isn't the same.

It’s always possible to backtrack, to change course, to quantum leap and to create a whole new life for yourself. And like I said before, if you’re craving a change, you should. Don’t let anyone stop you, certainly not me. I'll be your biggest cheerleader!

But time is still passing. And sometimes, a door closes and it stays closed. Even if a similar door could hypothetically open again down the road.

selective focus photo of brown and blue hourglass on stones — Photo by Aron Visuals on Unsplash

Uhh… Ella, are you okay?

Yes. I promise, I am.

It sounds like I have regrets in life that I’m trying to work though, but I can assure you that I don’t. I feel very fortunate, because while I have made some messed up minor decisions in life, I always backtracked when I needed to and I have made some major life decisions that I am so grateful for and stand behind. I am truly the happiest I have ever been and I’m loving being in this decade of my life. I’m also not afraid to switch things up in the future, if that's what I’ll want.

But just because I’m extremely pleased with the decisions I’ve made in life and for the doors I did walk through, it doesn’t mean that I’m not grieving the closed doors that I chose not to walk through. Even if I was certain that I would, once I had arrived at the door.

And just because I know that the possibilities in life are endless, it doesn’t mean that I don’t know that some possibilities are unlikely. Not from a practical standpoint - because where there’s a will, there’s a way. If it’s meant to happen, it will. But from a universal, divine standpoint - because some lives I’m just not meant to live.

Tis the season for a song contest

As of the time of writing this post, the Eurovision Song Contest 2025 happened this month.

I’m a big lover of Eurovision, having grown up on the contest whilst still living in the UK, as a child. The televised event was the only time I was allowed to stay up past my bedtime and I loved the celebration of music and hearing songs in languages I couldn’t speak and from countries I didn’t know. I would eagerly wait to listen to the songs from both of my countries (UK and Israel) and I still have memories from watching those performances.

As a singer myself who's globally minded and loves hanging out in international spaces, representing one of my countries at Eurovision was the absolute dream.

The entry for Israel this year was special for me.

The process for choosing the Israeli representative is through a singing competition reality tv show, a la X Factor, American Idol etc. Typically, famous singers who want to be chosen have to still sign up to participate in the competition, but the competition is open to anyone who wishes to enter. Celebrity judges, the in-studio audience and the audience at home, choose together who the representative will be, throughout a full season of the show. About a month and a half later, the song that was written with the winning singer in mind gets revealed to the country and to the world.

A light that's known much darkness

Yuval Raphael was a newcomer. She had sung all her life, loving music more than anything, but never performed on a professional stage.

She’s also a Nova festival survivor. On that horrid day, she was at the music festival that was invaded by terrorists and hid in a bomb shelter for eight hours, while each new round of terrorists would periodically enter to shoot them dead. About 40 people were in that shelter. 11 people, including her, survived. She survived by hiding under dead bodies and playing dead.

When she was participating in the show, I remember how moved I was by each of her performances. She was always honest with her story, and if there's a wish as a viewer to disconnect the performance from the backstory, it can be hard to do so. But I remember being impressed with her singing voice. Her raspy, soulful voice that contained both power and depth, and softness and sensitivity. My wife and I would often say to each other, whilst wiping away tears, “Survivor or not, that girl can sing.”

I deeply resonated with her voice, her spirit, her story and her song. A fellow sensitive Scorpio singer for whom singing is an emotional and spiritual need. Who’s been through hell and still chooses life.

I remember watching interviews with her and family members where they talked about how singing for her was always something sacred. Her connection to music and singing, was a spiritual connection. Her way of healing herself, of communing with God\Universe\However You Want To Call It. She wouldn’t sing for others, only in private and for herself. Although she had always dreamed of being on a stage, she wouldn’t do it. At least, not at first. Not until she faced death, and every other fear seemed silly all of a sudden.

For numerous reasons, I felt like I was hearing people I don’t know, talk about me. And in all honesty, I didn’t need to watch those interviews to know that about Yuval - it’s apparent in her voice.

I have a belief that you can hear a person inside their singing voice. Especially if they sing authentically. Their hopes, dreams, needs, fears, feelings, wounds etc. are all found in their voice. The spirit of who they are, is in their voice.

Listening to Yuval sing just once, I could tell that she was what I label An Honest Singer - the singer who reveals their heart and their essence through their voice, laying it all bare to be witnessed.

Not everyone sings authentically. Many hide their true voices with stylistic and energetic distortions. But she doesn’t. At least, not the kind that hides her authentic voice. And that’s how I like to sing too.

*If you’re interested, here is Yuval recounting in English what had happened. It’s about 15 minutes long, you don’t see any graphic images, and she recounts the story calmly. But the story is distressing. Viewer discretion is advised.

A forgotten dream

Listening to Yuval sing, relating to her deeply and watching her journey throughout this whole process, offered me a remembering. A remembering of a dream that I once deeply held, and yet will likely never realise.

Laying down dreams of singing professionally on a stage, is not new to me. In my early twenties, whilst in the middle of getting real with my childhood trauma and mental health issues, I had accepted that though the life of a professional performer may be what I wanted, it was not what I needed.

I needed stability and security, not to be a struggling artist. I needed normalcy and privacy, not to be overexposed as a successful singer.

I already grieved this dream, knowing it was the right decision, and have enjoyed the fruits of the doors I did decide to walk through. Becoming a music teacher, with the possibility of one day becoming a music therapist. I’m immensely fulfilled by my work and I love the life I live.

But still, old grief came up, of the life I didn't choose. Of a dream that I once clung dearly to, but won't likely fulfil. That I'm perhaps not meant to, even though it’s embedded in my DNA.

Aside from everything she represents for us on a national level, on a personal level she represents a beloved dream that I chose not to fulfil. A door that I chose not to walk through. Same spirit, similar story, similar voice, but different choice.

The perfect timing of this for me

Aside from it being the season of the Eurovision Song Contest, I'm also coming close to the book launch of my debut novel, something that I’ve been working on for a total of six years.

While I’m not singing on a stage, this book launch is asking me to step onto a metaphorical stage and show myself as a creator who wants to be seen for her creations. A voice that wants to be heard. A light that wants to be seen.

The fear of being seen has been coming up again for me. The overwhelm of being about to leave my comfort zone of staying hidden, even though I deeply desire to be seen, had been stopping me from being able to make much progress.

Watching Yuval sing her heart out, authentically showcasing the light she holds, and relating to the essence of the journey she had gone on, to end up at this point… well, I guess it reflected to me what I need to do, as I’m about to step onto my own metaphorical stage.

My debut novel, “The Source of The Wind”, is coming out on June 6th 2025! It can be found everywhere - Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Bookshop.org, Apple, Kobo, Waterstones & more.

I don't want to hide anymore. I don't want to be disappointed in myself for ‘chickening out’ at the last minute.

I’ve not personally survived a massacre (thank god!), and I’m not about to walk out onto an international stage, in front of millions of people in a televised event, and sing in the face of boos.

But I am making myself a little more seen than I’m usually comfortable with. I am opening my heart to the world and presenting an authentic creation that came out of a deep need to express myself.

I didn’t walk through the door of becoming a professional singer, like I always thought I would.

But I am walking through the door of being a published author, still showcasing my light and my voice to the world, albeit in a much quieter, smaller and more private way.

And honestly, as much as I have always had a deep need to sing, I’m really glad that this is the door I’m walking through in life. I understand why this is the door I chose, and I’m very happy with that decision.

And who knows, if I’m ever meant to, the universe might still lead me towards a door of singing professionally, in the future. Life is full of surprises and possibilities, after all.

I’m Celebrating the Launch of “The Source of The Wind”!

Join me in a livestream, here on Substack, where I’ll be celebrating the launch of my debut novel! We’ll talk about:

The novel’s themes, such as - hope after trauma, using your pain as your purpose, mother-daughter dynamics etc.
Using creativity & writing for your healing.
The spiritual perspective that informs this story.
And… I’ll read excerpts from my novel and hold a Q&A, if anyone wants to ask a question :)

Here are the details for the livestream and I’ll send the replay to subscribers within a few days: (questions can be asked in the comments, once the replay is published).

Have you had to say goodbye to doors you didn’t walk through? How did the process of grieving lives you’ve not lived feel? Would you like to ask me a question during the livestream on Sunday 8th June?