Lessons Learned on Ambition & Alignment
or... Slowing The Eff Down!
How can I tell when winter has arrived?
My sinuses start running marathons, my need to cocoon myself with blankets, candles and copious amounts of tea increases, and I get extra contemplative about life.
Okay, I'm always contemplative about life. This is the girl who experienced an existential crisis at the age of 11 and was freaking out about how quickly time was passing. “What is the point of life?”. “Is there life after death?” So, what I mean is, I get more contemplative than usual.
I always like to reflect on the year that I've just had and set intentions for the year coming ahead. I wouldn't say they're goals, per se. But more like themes that I feel will be relevant for me in the upcoming year. Certainly themes that I'm calling in, if not downright intuiting that they will happen.
This past year was crazy!
There certainly has been collective craziness that I've been trying to navigate and needing to process. I feel like it doesn't matter where we are in the world, every one of us could possibly relate to the feeling of “holy shit, what is happening?”, for any of the myriad of reasons available. I have definitely been feeling this and have been doing my best to stay grounded, in the midst of it all.
But my personal past year has also been whack-a-doodle.
The themes and intentions I had for this past year, was to build the foundation of my new business, set up systems, take care of all of the practical details, plan ten steps ahead and bulldoze my way into this new reality that I was trying to forge by sheer will. I had full intention and motivation to transform my reality to my most ideal version. I was excited, I was ready and it WAS going to happen!
Well… You could probably guess how that went down.
But let's back it up for a bit.
The year before I had decided to join a business coaching program. It was something that I had been wanting to do for a year and finally felt ready to take the plunge. I really wanted the help to move beyond my fears surrounding business success and to learn how you even build and run a business. I had a big vision, I knew what I wanted, but I didn't know how to make it happen.
So I had signed up, paid in full, and was eager to learn all of the ins and outs about building a mega successful business.
I was a good student. I jotted everything down, tried everything I was told to do, brainstormed actions steps and committed to following through. I had some success at the beginning. Meaning: I felt I was understanding what to do and I was doing it. Parts of it were fun and I felt like I was making progress. I was becoming a true business owner. Hooray!
Buuuuuut… I couldn’t keep it up.
I was overwhelmed with how much there was to do. How much my life didn’t lend itself to this method of business building. How little energy I seemed to have, to do everything I needed to do. I found this frustrating and bizarre. I know myself to have LOTS of energy, so where was it?
And then… disaster struck my country.
I don’t know how much I want to get into that here, just yet. I don’t know how to talk about it - it’s too painful and confusing. But it left all of us in collective shock and pain. Trying to implement the marketing strategies I was learning in the business coaching program, that were already a bit of a mismatch to how I naturally operate, felt even more uncomfortable. I did try some of them. I could understand the logic behind them and somewhat believed the validity of them. But I couldn’t commit fully. These strategies felt like a size too small, squeezing me a little too tight, not giving me room to breathe and move freely. They felt uncomfortable and the proof of that was in the lack of results I was getting.
The business coaching program had ended after six months, the disaster that hit my country was (is) still in effect and I did not have enough work lined up for the new school year, since I was certain that by the end of the program I would have successfully launched my first service. Money was tight and I was desperate. I was considering working in a health food shop, or going back to the bookstore I worked at for minimum wage, just to make ends meet.
I was about to say yes to the health food shop job, when the universe threw me a bone via my wife. She had spotted a job listing on Facebook for music teachers in our small city, that sounded perfect for me. It was with an age group I love, pay was good and they needed me ASAP and for as many days as possible, which I was happy with. I needed more work and the more the better. I was so happy this came my way (and was in such need for more income), that I agreed to working 4 days with them, even though I already had 2 days of the work week covered.
So, that meant that I was now working 6 FREAKING DAYS A WEEK!
Now, I'm very thankful for this job, and I still work with them now. But don’t EVER do this. Please, I beg of you. I somehow managed to finish that school year without crashing, but I definitely learned my lesson. Weekends are sacred.
That job saved my bum financially, but because I was now working six days a week, I had ZERO energy to do anything but the absolute essentials: lesson plan and get ready for the next day. I barely had enough energy to prepare myself food for the following day, with all of work and the lesson planning I had to do, let alone to work on my business idea. Which I was now uncertain whether it would even ever succeed. The business idea that felt like the perfect extension of me and everything I care about. My Purpose with a capital P. Or at least, certainly an important part of it.
I was miffed. I had all of the motivation, all of the intention, believed in my vision, definitely put it my very best effort, and… it didn't work. I did everything in my power, but I couldn't force it.
Some people might say that I ‘gave up’, or didn't do everything necessary to make it happen. I didn't hustle hard enough. I didn't stick with it long enough. I didn't sit with my discomfort enough. But I'm confident that this isn't true. Because when I want something, I go get it. When I want something, I will do (within reason) whatever it takes. When I want something, I will meet my growth edge and dare myself to jump anyway. These strategies that I was trying to implement, the amount of growth I was trying to achieve in a short amount of time, were simply not for me.
And how can I tell that? Because I couldn't sustain it. Sure, I could do it initially. But then I couldn't continue with it. Something felt off, or I wasn't excited enough about the approach.
And maybe it's even not that I couldn't sustain it. Maybe this approach simply isn't sustainable. Maybe it is for some people, or it was the only way to succeed for a certain period of time. But do I really want to force my way into the success I want? Do I really need to grow so quickly in a short period of time? Do I really want to use strategies that don't really sit snug on my body and soul?
Something that I've really learned about myself this past year, is that I only have the energy to sustain action, when that action is aligned for me. Anything else will fizzle out, even after my best attempts. (And for my dreams, I will always give my best attempts).
This ‘failure’ of mine, has required me to reconstruct my vision and expectations for my life, what my definition of success is and to let go of some deeply held beliefs and fears around going for my dreams. I’ve always been go-go-go and do-do-do, but I don't want to be that way anymore. I want to be able to rest and enjoy the process, creating my life’s work with ease and flow. I’ve always been super methodical and extra attentive to (read: stressed about) details, but I can't be that way anymore. I'll never be able to be on top of everything and there's so many parts to the process that are out of my control. I'll still always be ambitious and I'll still care about the details, but I don't want for some of my values to also be the reason I suffer. I don't want for my approach to encroach on other values I hold dearly.
I've come to realise that it’s not necessary. It's not necessary to sacrifice your present life for the success that you want. A different approach is necessary. A slower, more feminine one that trusts the universe, trusts that my ideas will be born through me in the time and form that is most suitable, and that allows me to operate as I naturally would.
So what exactly are my intentions for the next year?
Make publishing my novel my sole (and soul) goal for this year. This is the only project that I feel confident has to happen now. The vision for my business and other creative projects can wait.
Allow the stream of life to carry me to where I need to go, at the speed that is most natural and in divine timing. Without the need to control outcomes or journeys.
To be present and enjoy life outside of my professional ambitions more. My relationships, hobbies, health, etc. (I recently started baking, just for the fun of it, and I really enjoy it!)
And in general - to slow the eff down.
As I'm writing sections of this post, it's 4:44 am, my favourite angel number (and the one I tend to see the most with regards to my novel), and the next podcast episode to start playing is titled “If I Slow Down, Will I Fall Behind?”. Oh universe, I love your little winks.
I've not fully listened to the episode yet, but I would bet the answer is… No :)
In fact, I may eventually even be propelled forward.
What have you learned this past year? What are the intentions you’re setting for this next year? What is your relationship to slowing the eff down?
Speak soon,
Love, Ella x